Silver Confessions
by Rythm.Emotion
Summary: Cloud broods and muses over his relationship with Kadaj, and his past relationships with Sephiroth and Zack. And, when things look like they're getting better, everything comes crashing around him. But can one make happiness when happiness is foreign?
1. Chapter 1: Questions

A/N: I started this second period today, I was bored and thinking about how much Rei likes the whole Kadaj/Cloud pairing, so I decided to write one. Though, it isn't all happy-go-lucky and what not. It's more ... broodie with a potentially happy ending? Yeah, that sounds about right. So, just, read it, kay?!

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII or any of the characters in this.

Warning: It's probably somewhat OOC. Sorry. .::.sweatdrop.::.

Dedication: I dedicate this fic to Rei!! Because she is wonderful! And I love her. .::.smilesmile.::.

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**Chapter One: Questions**

**By .Rythm.Emotion. **

Cloud sat in the Seventh Heaven bar, nervously picking at the skin around his thumb, leaving it red and raw. He was waiting for something, no, that wasn't precise. He was waiting for _someone_. A certain silver-haired, supposedly reformed psychopath and Sephiroth clone. _Silver hair must be my weakness ..._ He thought bitterly as images of Zack, Sephiroth, and Kadaj danced in his head like deranged ballerinas, torturing his well being for simply being there.

Tifa stood behind the bar, a few feet away from the ever-brooding Cloud. _I don't understand you, Cloud._ She thought, twisting a dry towel inside a wet glass. _Why can't you just let the past die?_

Cloud's icy eyes shot up, locking onto Tifa's. He'd felt her eyes on him, the ever conscious Soldier, unable to relax, even around those who cared for him. And they did care for him. He knew they did, what still weighed heavy on his mind was whether he could truly return that feeling. _Am I capable of such feelings?_ There were days when he didn't think so.

The bell above the door tinkled hollowly and Cloud swiveled on his stool quickly, expecting to see cascading silver hair framing a falsely innocent face. What he _hadn't_ expected to see was Yuffie, touting an armful of shining materia and wearing a grin. Though the grin was characteristic of her.

"Hiya Cloud, Tif." She said happily, going directly to the stairs to deposit her materia. But she stopped at the foot of the stairs and looked up at the ceiling, clearly trying to remember some forgotten piece of information. "Cloud," she said finally, looking over at the blonde. "Kadaj is outside."

Cloud blinked, his eyes widening a fraction. He nodded, quickly regaining his composure, and stood. "Be careful," Tifa said before she could stop herself.

Cloud nodded again. "I'll be fine." _He's not Sephiroth ... At least ... He isn't right now._

He exited the bar and looked around for Kadaj. Not that it took him long to spot him. His silver hair and black leather clothing stuck out, and the pedestrians billowed around him and his large motorcycle. _Overcompensation?_ Cloud thought with a tiny, mental smile.

Kadaj saw him and waved, beckoning him closer. "Cloud!" He yelled, perhaps thinking it was possible that Cloud hadn't noticed him, when in truth, he's been staring, just a little.

Cloud walked to the bike, unable to connect the smiling face he saw to the calm, cool, arrogant smirk that Sephiroth always had plastered across his features. _But he's his clone. So ... There must be similarities._ He searched the boy for these similarities as he drew closer and stopped a few feet away. To his surprise, the only trait that he could connect was the stunningly silver hair.

"Hey," Kadaj said, smiling at Cloud, who inclined his head in greeting. "Hop on, we can go to the cliff."

Stab of pain in Cloud's being. The cliff ... The cliff with the buster blade? The weapon forced him to think about Zack. Yet another one of the people with lightly unnatural hair that he'd fallen for. Fallen for? Yes, he'd fallen for Zack. But, in that admission, he wondered, had he fallen for Sephiroth?

"Is something wrong?" The smile had faded from Kadaj's face as he noticed the dark, lost-in-thought look on Cloud's face.

Cloud blinked, letting go of his confusion and trying to focus on Kadaj. "I'm okay," he lied. "Just lost myself a little." _Lost himself?_ Would he ever admit that to anyone besides Kadaj?

Kadaj smiled softly and patted the back of his bike. "C'mon." this time Cloud nodded and slung a leg over the bike, behind Kadaj. He let his hands rest on Kadaj's hips as the smaller man kick-started the bike.

The bike drowned all hope of conversation on the way to the cliff. And though Cloud welcomed this escape, it opened his thoughts to him again. And with that open door came the confusion in regards to the clarification of his feelings. He had fallen for Zack, and he'd been able to admit that to himself. But in admittance, he'd found a new confusion. He'd come to the realization that he was capable of deep feelings, and that he wasn't the hallow shell he'd thought. But did that mean he'd fallen for Sephiroth as he had for Zack?

Sephiroth, who always took time out of his busy, world wide destruction plans to torture Cloud and his friends. He who always sought out Cloud, and before the inevitable death-match ensued, they would always look at each other with lovers' eyes.

_Lovers' eyes?!_

Yes, that had been the phrase he'd used. And it brought up a new question. Had he and Sephiroth been lovers? Certainly wanton sexual encounters didn't constitute enough solidity to mold two people into lovers. Then again, when was there ever true solidity when love was involved? How often could anything be clearly defined and accurately touched upon?

Cloud sighed, stifling it as he did in an attempt to not catch Kadaj's attention. That would beckon forth unwanted questions when they got to the cliff. The sigh had been realization escaping Cloud in the form of Carbon Dioxide. He'd known, in the instant before the sigh had escaped, that he and Sephiroth had been lovers. In name at least.

That realization hurt him more than he had expected it to. Because it made him think, what if, by being Sephiroth's lover, he had had some hand in him always coming back. Admittedly, every time he emerged, whether on his own or via Kadaj, he always came straight to Cloud. He always went to him and ... Did things that if the others found about... He groaned quietly, not wanting to think of the reaction, which would surely end up being violent.

Cloud felt the slender hips under his hands. He felt the way their muscles clenched with each turn of the bike. And through this touch, yet another batch of confusing questions berated him. He'd been Sephiroth's lover, perhaps he still was. And he'd felt something for Zack, love, perhaps. But, where did that put what was going on between Kadaj and himself?

They spent time together, saw each other nearly every day, to be factual. And though they'd never done any questionable activities, it was impossible to deny that there was a spark and growing tension. Onlookers noticed it, though Cloud didn't know it and no one would mention it to him. But his friends were beginning to wonder if there was something going on beneath the surface when it came to Cloud and Kadaj's seemingly innocent relationship.

But, if there was something there, something with depth and meaning, and Cloud couldn't deny that there might be; was it a true feeling? Or was it the run-off of the relationship with Sephiroth (if a relationship was what it could be called.) How could he ascertain the truth when his mind was always so clouded? Almost as if, in taking the name Cloud, he'd condemned himself to ambiguity and confusion.

He couldn't. That was what it came down to. There was no way for him to come to the right conclusion, not on his own. It was something he'd have to speak about, to another person. but that thought, the one of sharing some substantial insight of himself with another person, scared him, perhaps more so than the thought that it was his fault Sephiroth wouldn't stay dead. Yet, even though he felt terrified by the idea, he felt the bitter truth that it was the only choice he had. The only way to ever discover the truth hidden away in the nigh impenetrable fog.

Sighing again, this time not trying to conceal it, no longer caring if Kadaj knew something was bothering him. Because the thought that, perhaps he did feel something real towards Kadaj was blooming and slowly becoming something unavoidable. He looked around, seeing the barren landscape of the outside of the city. They were on the straight away where Kadaj and his brothers had once chased him, desperately searching for their 'mother'. Off in the distance Cloud could see the cliff, the one where he'd once slammed the buster blade into. But, Kadaj wasn't going toward it, he realized; no, he was going towards a much grassier slope with tiny specks of pastel that he knew must be flowers.

_Kadaj ..._ Kadaj, smiling, sped up the bike and continued towards the hill. He drove up it, as Cloud continued to look around at the sparse flowers. He stopped and clicked the bike off. Cloud was the first to demount the bike, he walked to the top of the hill and looked down at the barren landscape, hardly able to believe that he was standing on a patch of green in a sea of brown.

"Cloud?" Kadaj spoke tentatively, walking up beside Cloud and following his gaze to the ground.

Cloud sighed again and wondered if it was possible to even try to breech the subject of relationships and feelings with Kadaj. He'd never done so. Never opened up to another person. Though, a very large part of his being was manufactured much like Kadaj and his brothers. That tied them together, more firmly than he felt any relationship would ever be able to bring them. But, it was a tie. Something that made Kadaj more approachable.

He turned to look at Kadaj, thinking desperately of some way to speak the words he felt he needed to get out of his mind, lest they torture him into shuddering hysteria and render him incapable of everything everyone takes for granted.

Kadaj's expression softened. "Are you okay?" He asked, slowly reaching out a hand to touch Cloud's arm.

Normally Cloud's reaction to a psychical touch was to flinch away. But this time, to the surprise of them both, he stayed where he was, though a dark expression of quiet brooding stole over his face. "I don't know ..."

The simple admission to the lack of knowledge shocked them both. Neither could believe Cloud had said it. Cloud looked away, almost shamefully, not aware that sharing one's thought and feelings was natural. Kadaj stared at him, unsure of what to say or do.

"I don't know ..." Cloud repeated, searching for the right words. "I'm thinking abut something, but I don't know how to ... express the though."

Kadaj said nothing, uncertain of what was happening, and feeling a small bubbling sensation I the depth of his being. He suppressed it with a small amount of difficulty. _Not here ... Not now ..._

Cloud's mind reeled, not only from the questions coursing through it, but also from the strain of trying to do something that was so foreign to him. "It's ... hard ..." He whispered. "For me to talk to anyone, but you know that ..."

Kadaj nodded and stepped closer, slowly snaking an arm around his wait. "You can talk to me."

Cloud nodded. "I've been thinking." His said, his voice gaining strength. "About people ... Sephiroth, Zack, and you." He paused, unsure of exactly how to continue, but wanting to now, _needing_ to. "I cared about them. Kadaj ... I ... care about you as well ..."

Kadaj stifled the gasp that welled in the back of his throat. _Cloud ... cares?_

Cloud looked back at him, his eyes glistening with emotion. Emotion that was such a new thing for him. "Do you ..." _Care too?_ He couldn't bring himself to say the last two words aloud.

Kadaj blinked slowly, and then nodded. "I care, Cloud." He thought for a moment then added. "As much as a clone possibly can care." He smiled at him, that sweet, innocent smile that Cloud loved.

_Loved?_ Had that word really sprung to the forefront of his mind? Yes, it really had. But, why? Certainly he didn't love Kadaj. That was impossible, wasn't it? Kadaj noticed the shadow pass over Cloud's eyes. "Did I say the wrong thing?"

Cloud shook his head slowly, his brilliantly blond hair shaking around his face, framing it like a golden waterfall frozen in time forever. "Just my mind running away with me."

"Where did it take you?"

He looked at the ground, not sure if he _could_ tell Kadaj the thoughts that had just entered his mind. "I don't know …"

Kadaj interpreted the remaining bit of the sentence: _if I can tell you. _It wasn't that Cloud didn't want to tell him, because he did. It wasn't even that Cloud didn't trust him, because, oddly enough, he thought he did. Though trust was something so new to him that he wasn't sure if it was what he was feeling or if what he was feeling; or if it was maybe just more of the confusing thoughts and feelings that were dominating his every fiber.

"It's … okay." Kadaj whispered, masking the hurt he felt.

Cloud shook his head, disturbing the stillness of his hair. "You're just saying that." He whispered, letting out a bitter chuckle. "I've confessed to have feelings for you; you've openly returned those feelings. Yet I can't share something with you."

"It's okay, really."

Cloud sighed heavily, unable to convince himself that what Kadaj was saying was true. He couldn't help but think that he was somehow wronging Kadaj by not telling him. But at the same time, the thought that had most recently rattled his brain was one he was still processing. One he couldn't grasp himself, let alone try to share with anyone.

Kadaj seemed to know that something more sever e than his everyday brooding was afflicting Cloud. Because he gently laid his head against Cloud's chest and closed his eyes, just trying to be as close to Cloud as e could be. So that Cloud might sense that Kadaj was there for him. That he wasn't going anywhere.

Cloud felt himself warm at the touch; felt the comforting heat spread through his being. He welcomed the unusual feeling the heat brought to him; being so bitterly used to the cold that dominated his life and every fiber of his being. He looked at Kadaj, who was looking up at him, eyes eagerly awaiting to see if a smile might come to Cloud's features. A small smile did eventually play there, because Cloud found that it was impossible to look into Kadaj's eyes and not feel some glimmer of happiness.

_I love you …_ The words were running through his head; bubbling just beneath the surface of his audible words. They fought desperately for the freedom of the dry air. They struggled to be out in the open where Kadaj could hear him. He wanted him to know the conclusion he'd finally arrived at. But he could think of no way to vocalize his feelings. Though the sentence he so desired to say was only three short words.

"Your eyes are shining," Kadaj whispered, noticing the strange new look in Cloud's eyes. _What are you thinking?_

The smile on Cloud's lips grew, slowly at first, until his entire face was transformed by it. Changed into something foreign and new to him, yet strangely befitting him perfectly. "I love you, Kadaj." He said, his voice even and calm.

Kadaj smiled, feeling the horrid, bubbly uneasiness in the bottom of his being disappear. The glimmer of Sephiroth's consciousness vanished, instantly, when Cloud spoke the words. And Kadaj felt, for the time being at least, that he was free of the silver-haired, one-winged angel.

"I love you too, Cloud."

Cloud leaned over and pressed his lips gently to the lips of the smaller man. As the kiss grew, so did the feeling of security and warmth. And for the first time, Cloud felt that things might really be okay.

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A/N: Okay, there ya go! It took me a couple days to work on. Which is odd for me, because usually I just pull things out of thin air and then I'm done with it. But, this one I put effort into, somewhat. More so than usual at least. So, tell me what you think. Go ahead! Click the review button! You know you want to!! 


	2. Chapter 2: The Death of a Soldier

A/N: Well, here we go, chapter two. Hmm. I'm not sure how it'll go just yet, lemon scene-wise or not. Sao requested one, but, I'm not certain I'm going to work it into this chapter. But, never fret, I plan on making this many chapters in length. So, yeah ... Oh! If you like this fic, you should read Stars a little AkuRoku I'm working on. .::.pimppimppimp.::.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy or any of these characters. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. I'd be enjoying riches and what not. xD

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**Chapter Two: The Death of a Soldier  
By .Rythm.Emotion.**

Time passed, though Cloud wasn't sure how much did. He was only numbly aware of the passage of time. days turned to weeks and weeks to months. After living in a painful nexus where time stood stock-still, it was something of a Herculean task to adapt to the gentle progression of time. Though it was a natural human trait, adaptation that is.

Before Kadaj, Cloud's mind would have asked him, after the concept of human qualities passed through it, whether or not he could accurately be described as human. Part of him, the staggering majority of him, wasn't real. He's been made. his memories of a life as a Soldier had been made. _Stolen_. Yet, somehow, none of that mattered anymore. Not when he was held in the arms of someone who at times seemed so gentle and innocent, and at other indomitable and preternaturally strong. Kadaj's slender arms held him close, come each ride of the moon across the night sky. And every night Cloud slept, without really sleeping. Trapped in being the ever aware Soldier that he never actually was. And though Kadaj could see that Cloud was still trapped in himself, still fighting for a way to identify himself as a person, there was nothing he could thing to do that would help him.

But Cloud, if he were asked, would have said, quite firmly, that he was fine. That he had stopped allowing himself to be dominated by false memories of battles he never took part in. That he was carving a new definition or himself out of the memories he knew belonged to him and only him. Though these memories were few, and most were too clouded to properly recall.

He awoke one morning to find his bed empty, and where Kadaj usually slept was nothing more than a bare, cool spot of white fabric. He sat up immediately, blond hair falling into his eyes and framing his face, but he didn't push the strands away. He welcomed the obstruction of his vision, it reminded him persistently that he was imperfect. "Kadaj?" He whispered as his bare feet touched the cold floor. "Are you here?" He stood slowly and walked to the wall, confident despite the darkness. His hand trailed the wall as he neared the door, searching for something and, when he found it the room was bathed in sterile light with just a tiny flick of his wrist.

He looked around the room, examining every aspect of it. On one, far wall, Kadaj's leather outfit lay, thrown across a high-backed, wooden chair. And in the corner by it, a half hazard pile of discarded swords, all in various seizes and lengths. The closet door was closed, the closet door was always closed, and the bedroom door was left ajar. All things were as they always were, and somehow, that worried Cloud more than if the room had been in shambles.

He left the room, only distantly aware that he slept in boxers, and walked down the long hallway, lined with rooms for children and friends. To the staircase where he stopped to listen, and heard a conversation he found strange and unnerving, yet somehow comforting in its own strange way.

Kadaj sat on the bar, though Cloud couldn't see him. And behind the bar stood Tifa, who seemed only slightly awkward around the half-naked clone. "I don't understand," Kadaj whispered, and Cloud had to strain his ears to hear. Tifa said nothing, and if Cloud could have seen, he would have seen Tifa gently lay her hand on Kadaj's shoulder. "He says he loves me, but he still wanders around in a daze most of the time."

"That's just his way," she whispered. "It's the pattern his life fell into and he can't help but hold onto it."

"But, _why_?" Though he couldn't see the expression on Kadaj's face, he could hear the deep underlying feeling of desperation in his smooth voice.

"Give him time," she said. "I know it's a hard idea, but if you give him time, love will eventually soften his soul."

"Does he even have one?" And Cloud could hear Kadaj's immediate, sharp intake of breath that mirrored his own. "No, I didn't mean that ..." He covered his face with his hands and Cloud could hear his dry sobs. "I didn't ... oh gods ..."

"Kadaj, it's okay. If such accusations and doubt were enough to shatter Cloud, don't you think Sephiroth would have won out a long time ago?"

"This is different, I'm his _lover_, Tifa. His _lover_." There was pleading in his voice now, though Cloud wasn't sure why. That he wanted to take back the comment was his silent and correct assumption.

"Sephiroth was his lover too, Kadaj." Again, the same mirrored gasps. Cloud hadn't known that any of his friends knew the truth about he and Sephiroth's romantic rendezvous. "He survived killing his lover not one, but twice, so far. And he survived his lover trying to destroy him and the rest of the world. Cloud isn't as fragile minded as he might seem. And do you honestly think he couldn't handle your doubt? When he deals with doubt every day." She asked, then added. "And that's if you ever tell him about this conversation."

Kadaj looked down, looking more defeated and sad than when he'd lost Jenova's head. "If I tell him?"

She nodded slowly. "You can tell him about this conversation, or you can rely on him to find out on his own. And he always does."

Cloud didn't want to hear the conversations conclusion, but, perhaps he should have stayed. Because if he had, maybe he would have learned something important about love. And these thoughts tortured him to sleep. The tantalizing 'what ifs' that he'd never know the answer to. Because he'd chosen to return to the comfort of his bed. Where he thought he might feel safe.

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Again, time passed, and now Cloud was more aware of it. The overheard conversation, though never brought up by Tifa or Kadaj, had spurred Cloud to try to notice things he'd missed. Things like the way Denzel and Marlene played with Kadaj, the way their pure hearts had forgiven him completely. And the way the bar filled slowly every night, only to have the patrons slowly trickle out at the same time. He was even noticing time. Days no longer felt the same to him as weeks, and weeks felt different from months. It was as if the natural order of things had finally caught up with him.

He was smiling more, though he didn't realize it. He smiled when Marlene wanted to play, or when Denzel and Kadaj tumbled across the floor playfully (he was always surprised at how gentle Kadaj really was.) He even laughed, on occasion. Like when Tifa had walked in on him and Kadaj in the shower, in the middle of _questionable_ activities. Though, in hindsight, the encounter had been more mortifying than funny (and Kadaj still blushed every time he saw Tifa.)

Cloud had always been told that time would free him. And that, if he'd allow it, someone would make him happy. Maybe not true happiness, granted, because there were too many horrors in his past for that. But, someone would come along who had the ability to fill some of the void in his life, some vacant, empty part that make-believe memories would never be able to fill. And he had always wondered about the truth behind the promises, he'd always _doubted_ that he could be happy, regardless of the circumstances.

But now he wasn't so sure, Living his life the way he now was. Seeing Kadaj and everyone else in a new light. One that was white, pure, and nearly blinding. But that he loved all the same. Flowers had real color, the sun held real, soul healing warmth. And the cold, white place of glass trees and crystalline water seemed like the far away stage to a fading nightmare. He didn't think about that place anymore,_ that time. _

Kadaj, however, he still thought about. And the muted conversation he'd eavesdropped on still came to him when he least expected it. When he was making breakfast, or delivering things for Tifa, or even showering. Kadaj's stricken voice would float to him on the wing of a silver angel.

_Does he even have one?_

The question would shatter his stability, plunge him into what remained of the torture chambers within his mind (he's sought to destroy them all). And there he'd sit, chained to the wall and unable to move, until someone came along to rescue him. That person was usually Kadaj. He'd come into the room and instantly lock onto Cloud's renewed brooding. He'd slink an arm around his shoulders and hold him close, scarcely saying anything. Because he could always tell it was something Cloud wouldn't be bale to talk about. Cloud knew this, and he knew it because he knew of the love between them. And love was understanding. Or, it was in a perfect world, anyway.

And when Cloud broke down, he'd not say anything about what was bothering him. Not because he couldn't, but because he knew, if he said something, his newfound world of happiness that he was growing increasingly attached to would be lost. And after three months had passed since the conversation, Cloud was still dutifully silent. Not because he didn't _want_ to confront Kadaj, but because he _refused_ to relinquish his grip on happiness. Even if the elusive feeling did flee from him, from time to time.

_But all good things must come to an end ..._

He didn't know whose voice whispered the old saying into his mind, but he knew that eventually, despite his persistence and firm grip on happiness, there was no way to avoid asking Kadaj about the conversation he never should have heard. Because the knowledge that Kadaj thought (and might still think) that he likely didn't have a soul tore at him. He couldn't handle knowing that Kadaj might still feel that way. He had to _know_, he had to ask.

And so he sat in bed, waiting for Kadaj to finish his shower. And in his mind he was going over what he was going to say, how he was going to start. Because he was a new person, he felt that surely. The part of him that had been a Soldier, that fabricated, stolen part of his being, was dead and buried. He was going to make Kadaj see that. Or, at the very least, he would try.

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A/N: This is LOADS shorter than I wanted it to be, but it got to the point that ending the chapter was the best thing for it. Because I did want this chapter to end without anything happening. Because, in every way, these three chapters are the beginning, middle, and end to the story. Yes, that's right. The next chapter will be the last. So, shall you stick around to see just how Cloud handles this situation? But, be warned, I like angst filled angst. So, it wouldn't be too surprising if Cloud ended up alone and broken. But, then again, I love Cloud. .::.giggles.::. C'mon, you know you wanna stick around!

Speaking of things you _want_ to do, you _want _to review. Don't you? (Aww, c'mon, you _know_ you do!!)


	3. Chapter 3: Reprise

A/N: Well, all good things must come to an end. And this is the end of this fic. Though, I'll probably write more KadajxCloud at some point. I hope you enjoy the final chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't one Final Fantasy.

Warning: There IS a lemon in this chapter. And it's a KadajxCloud lemon. I don't think anyone who's read this far will care. But if you do, go away.

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**Chapter Three: Reprise  
By .Rythm.Emotion.**

Cloud sat, silently waiting for the cessation of the flowing water that cascaded down Kadaj's body in the next room. His mind raced, trying to grasp the thoughts he wanted to word. Trying to get his hands around the neck of the elusive idea and squeeze the vocalization out of it. But all of his effort was seemingly in vain, because regardless of the pressure he applied to the thought, he could milk nothing of any inherent usefulness.

In the other room, the water was switched off, and Cloud was plunged into silence that shattered his reverie and forced him to grasp onto the thought, frantically trying to keep hold of it. While in the other room Kadaj was stepping out of the shower, on to a fluffy pink towel and wrapped its sister around his slender waist. He walked into the bedroom, dripping crystalline water from his silver hair.

The fact that something was wrong hit Kadaj as soon as he sat on the bed and kissed Cloud. Every evening he took a shower, came into the room (still dripping), kissed Cloud, and was then pleasantly griped at for getting the bed wet. However, when he kissed Cloud, and dipped on him, and the bed, Cloud said nothing.

"You okay?"

Cloud looked at him, barely registering his dripping hair and gleaming, bare chest (which was just inches above him.) "What?" His voice was quiet and thick with the sound of deep pain that it used to be perpetually saturated with.

Kadaj's brow knitted together, he was afraid that Cloud had been thrown back into the pit of pain he'd been locked in for so long. "What's wrong?"

Cloud's icy blue eyes darted away, afraid of what he wanted to say, and afraid the pain he was feeling now might be in his mind to stay. "I don't know." Both of their minds flashed back to the first time Cloud had admitted that he didn't know something. That time it had ended with 'I love you.' But for some reason Kadaj thought it might not end on such a positive note this time.

Kadaj extended his arm slowly and laid his hand to rest on Cloud's shoulder. "You can tell me anything, remember?"

Cloud looked up and their eye met. And something about the words, _you can tell me anything, remember?_ And the desperate desire to _love_ in Kadaj's eyes caused a dam somewhere inside Cloud to break open as he started to speak, tears falling from his eyes, like tiny angels, descending from Heaven without their wings to guide them to safety.

"A couple months ago … or something like that," he started, his voice cold and startlingly emotionless, in contrast to the tears he shed. "I woke up and you were gone, so, I went to look for you." Kadaj said nothing, but his eyes were fearful. "You were at the bar, talking to Tifa."

At this, Kadaj realized that the memory Cloud was recalling was one he had also tried to suppress within his memory storage. He hadn't been to, as Cloud hadn't been able to. "Cloud, wait, about hat night …"

Cloud shook his head, silencing his speech as surely and suddenly as If he'd constricted his voice box and made it impossible for hi to continue to speak. "No, be quiet." He whispered, coldly stern. "Let me finish." Kadaj, who felt dejected and hurt by the harshness of Cloud' voice, sat where he was without saying another word. "I listened to your conversation, though, I wish, more often than not, that I hadn't." His voice no longer held the strong, commanding tone it had only moment ago. It now sounded small, frightened, and frail. "I heard you say that you doubted whether or not I had a soul."

Pain flitted through both of the, searing and white like a bolt of lightning. "Is that all you heard?"

Tears stood in Cloud's eyes, frozen visages of pain immortal. "There was more?" His voice was chocked now with the tears which he fought to hold back.

A bit of sun snaked into Kadaj's line of vision (metaphorically speaking). Cloud hadn't heard the whole conversation. "Yeah, there was more." Cloud's expression fell again and Kadaj leaned over him to kiss him again, softly on the cheek. "The rest was good."

Cloud shook his head. "How could it have been good after that?" _But, then again, how could it have been worse?_

"Well, if you remember," he laid beside Cloud and pulled him close. "I didn't come to bed until almost morning. And that's because Tifa spent the night talking my ear off. Giving me all sorts of examples of you using the soul that is _yours_."

Cloud blinked and couldn't help wanting to melt against Kadaj and his strong arms. When had his arms became so strong? Had he been exercising without Cloud noticing? And had he really been to intent on forgetting the memory that he hadn't noticed something so important?

"She told me about all the things you've done, and a lot of things you've been through." He continued. "And by the end of the night, I was all for calling myself a stupid asshole and hiding in a corner. Because I felt I'd wronged you, even though I _thought_ you hadn't heard.

"Tifa didn't agree. She said that you hadn't heard and that my mind had changed, so there was no pint in talking to you about it. And the next day you seemed fine, so I tried to forget about the night and the conversation. But, Cloud, if I'd known you'd heard, or if I'd know it was hurting you, I never would have stayed quiet about it. But you _seemed_ so _happy_ and I didn't want to take it away by telling you about something you hadn't heard and that I didn't think was relevant anymore. Because I honestly thought you didn't know.

"Jesus, Cloud … I'm just … I'm sorry."

Cloud looked at him, waiting to be sure that was all he was going to say, and then he said, as was his fashion. "It's okay."

Kadaj recoiled as though Cloud had struck him. "It _isn't_ okay!"

And now Cloud had his chance to recoil. "Yeah, it is, it's not a big deal. No harm, no foul."

Kadaj sighed. "There _was_ harm though, that's the thing. I _hurt_ you."

Cloud, who had spent a long time seeking the forgiveness of a _dead_ girl, thought he understood that Kadaj wanted forgiveness more than anything else. Yet, at the same time, he had tried to put the conversation out of his mind, though he'd failed at it. And he had started the conversation with the desire to talk about Kadaj's statement, but now he only wanted to put it behind them, to move on and continue living in the happiness they'd forged for themselves.

But a large part of him knew Kadaj wouldn't let it go.

"Please, Cloud," he whispered. "Talk to me. Don't' just dismiss it like you always do …"

"I don't _want _talk about it, not anymore."

Kadaj sighed against Cloud's blond hair. "Why did you bring it up then? Just to make me feel worse?"

The words caught Cloud's attention. That Kadaj felt bad for the conversation and what he'd said was one thing. But to hear Kadaj say tha_t he_ had hurt him made the pain feel infinitely more personal. It made it feel like he had raised a glinting, silver dagger to Kadaj and cut him. And, in Cloud's mind's eye, the water dripping from Kadaj turned to crimson splashes of blood. And his green and yellow-star-burst eyes filled with silvery tears.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, closing his eyes against the vision of Kadaj in pain. "I didn't mean …"

"Stop." Kadaj interrupted and pulled him into a gentle kiss. ""Don't apologize when it's my fault." Cloud looked at him, tears that were once stilled welled again behind his cold façade. "I love you … Does anything else really matter?"

"It shouldn't," Cloud whispered. "But ... it does, doesn't it?"

Kadaj shook his head. "No, it doesn't matter. Think about it. What does it matter if something stupid and insignificant happens tomorrow? Is _that_ going to stop us loving each other?"

Cloud thought about what he said, longing to agree but found he was unable to, after all, how many little things had brought down his _loving _relationships? _None. _A voice whispered in his head. Sephiroth's voice. _None, you idiot. Think about it. Zack died. You killed me. Do those things constitute as 'small occurrences?' Honestly, I don't know why I always go to torture you. You do that enough on your own with your damn stupidity._

He cringed as the voice faded away, back into the gray recesses of his mind, where it would hopefully stay (though he doubted it.) He looked at Kadaj and saw, for the first time, that it didn't matter that he had doubted him. It wasn't about that. No, it was about how he had _loved _him, despite that doubt. Despite calling him soulless (which in ways he supposed was true, at least partially). He had never stopped loving him. And he loved him, even know. When he was doing nothing but blubber inconsistencies and make himself out to be a child.

In that instant he saw that death would be their only deterrent. And that nothing short of it could ever make them love each other less than they did, though he thought the love might grow larger, continue to blossom into a flower more beautiful than any springtime rose. Because love couldn't fade away, couldn't be dominated, and nothing could ever outshine that love. Because it was all that mattered.

Cloud smiled, watching shadows dance across Kadaj's face. "No," he said, his voice strong again and the tears no longer standing in his eyes. "They _don't_ matter, they really don't."

Kadaj smiled hesitantly, watching as Cloud mirrored the smile.

And then Cloud kissed him. A soft, delicate kiss that grew into a deep, passionate entwining of their tongues as they silently fought for dominance. Cloud, who was usually the submissive one, rolled himself over Kadaj, working not to break the kiss. He slid a hand up the soft towel, running his hand along the tender skin of Kadaj's inner thigh and up to his stiffening penis. Kadaj moaned quietly into the kiss, feeling the electricity that flowed from Cloud's fingertips.

Cloud ran a finger down his thigh and pressed it into Kadaj, gently, but not really knowing what he was doing. He was so used to being the submissive one, the _uke_. And he could only try to re-enact things that had been done to him.

Kadaj moaned at the gentle entrance, loving the new feeling of someone inside him, of _Cloud_ inside him. Even if it was just one slender finger. "More," he whispered, knowing Cloud wouldn't go too fast, because Cloud had been on the receiving end of too many rough sexual encounters for him to risk hurting Kadaj.

Cloud smiled, kissing Kadaj again as he slid another finger into him, being as gentle as he could. He pulled them in and out in slow, careful scissor motions, preparing Kadaj the way was necessary for the act they were slated to perform. Kadaj pulled out of the kiss, his face flushed. "Cloud, you won't hurt me."

Cloud smiled, playing the part now of the silent lover as he kissed him again and nodded his assent. He gripped Kadaj by his small hips and slowly pushed himself into him, reveling at the feeling of how tight he was, and making a mental not to top more often. Kadaj cried out quietly as Cloud pushed into him, and though it felt good,it also hurt. The size wasn't something he was used to but he thought it was something he could _get _used to.

Cloud moved slowly, steadfastly resisting the urge to go as quickly as he could. He pulled himself out, hearing Kadaj's moan of mixed pain and pleasure and moaning himself. Though he felt nothing but spine-tingling pleasure. The kind stories were wrote about.

He continued to move slowly until Kadaj cried out for more _demanded _more. And that was when their love-making truly started. That was when Cloud began to move with the grace and speed of a professional athlete who was playing a game on their home turf. He reached around under Kadaj and stroked him, increasing the rate at which they were both breathing. It was difficult, Cloud found, to please himself and Kadaj at the same time. And he wondered if it might not be easier to handle their pleasure as two separate encounters. But the desire for perfect unity was stronger than his urge to relieve only himself.

Their breathing quickened in time with the other's and with their heartbeats. They gasped and kissed and fought to hold onto their pleasure for as long as they could. Kadaj cried out, a scream of pure ecstasy as he released into Cloud's hand. The feeling of his warm juices seeping through his fingers pushed Cloud over the edge. And he moaned loudly as he released into Kadaj and collapsed onto him.

He kissed his temple lightly, tasting the salty seat on his skin and hair. "I'm ... glad we talked."

Kadaj smiled and wrapped his small but powerful arms around Cloud's neck. "I'm glad too." He whispered through deep breaths. "And I'm glad ... Little things don't matter."

Cloud smiled, a true, genuine expression that lit his features more than any sunlight ever could. "I love you," he whispered, kissing him again and slowly pulling out of him as they both issued a deep, satisfied sigh.

He lay over on his back and pulled Kadaj into his arms and help him close. It was the first time he's cradled a lover against his chest, the first time he'd ever been conscious enough o show dominance over another person in a romantic situation. And it seemed that when the SOLDIER within him died, something new was born. Like a phoenix emerging from ashes. He was his own person. He was Cloud Strife. And he was in love. Perfect, not exactly innocent, but perfect love. And nothing, not even the small things, could ever come between him and that love.

* * *

A/N: Well, there you go. What do you think? Leave me a comment and let me know! 


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